Yaya and I had been writing letters and calling each other to pass the time until my family came to visit that summer up in Shasta.
I literally BEGGED like a shitzu in heat for mom to buy me my first bikini before we went. Growing up, every summer she would take me to get a new suit, beach towel, and boogie board from Omwigs the local hardware store. I'm sure you're wondering how on earth you could find these things amongst bales of hammers and nails - yet in our teeny quirk of a town, one store would usually take on the hat of three; and in this instance Omwigs was my raspberry beret.
I was tired of being the only girl in my grade wearing a fucking onezie down at Linden (locals beach). Mom being the jesusfreak she was would always argue, 'As Christians We Want to Look Different' and 'Modesty is the Best Policy' - I would just cringe and yell back "Oh I'll look DIFFERENT all right MOM, in fact, I'll look just like Jesus! ...If it was up to you I'd be wearing a bed sheet wrapped around me toga style so no one can see an ounce of FLESH!" She didn't like that, but somehow one desperate attempt from the next scored me my first flowered bikini; and I think that was the turning point of all teenage hormonal hell breaking loose - along with my midriff ;)
The long arduous 13hr drive to Shasta was making my head swarm with all sorts of ideas - schemes rather - on how to get a chance to be alone with Yaya. I watched episode upon episode of 90210 that year, and watching horseface Donna Martin debate so hard over her virginity got my head spinning.
The closest thing to a real wiener I'd ever seen was when I was 8. Sis and I were at her friend Leslie's house. Leslie warned us "Whatever you do, Don't go upstairs!" ... well to a brat like me that was more like a dare than a warning. First thing I did was wait for them to get distracted so I could creep upstairs. BAD IDEA. There, wearing nothing but the illusive birthday suit I heard so much about, was her Dad about 5' from the doorway. I'm not sure who was more traumatized, Me or the 6ft Sasquatch I spotted in full frontal.
Praying Yaya wasn't hairy was not really on my list of things to ask god for that summer- in fact, growing up with the idea that "GOD SEES EVERYTHING YOU DO" wasn't always the easiest thing. I always wondered if my sick desire to see Yaya's chocodilly would somehow ruin my chances to dance with wolves in paradise* ; but at this point I really didn't care. I was tired of my tv remote and looking for action.
Upon arriving at Yaya's all us kids went down to the river to go swimming. It was time to take my day glow daisy bikini out for a spin. Imagine a 1960's VWbug florescent orange with tiny daises all over it - that was my bikini, and I friggin loved it! I was a hot little number of 15 with long blond hair and my string bikini and the round ass of tranny on Haley**, how could he resist?
To my shock Yaya was more obsessed with jumping off the rocks and boulders into the lake than with jumping on me. I figured I better up the anty. The boys were all jumping off a rope swing into the lake. I figured to get him to notice me I better jump. I climbed up the path grabbed the rope and went for it. What I didn't realize was that it was about 20ft up in the air; it took the wind out of me till I hit the water SPLASH!!! I achieved my goal too, Yaya couldn't take his eyes off me. I was so impressed with myself that it took me about 15 actual 'Mississippis' to figure out that upon impact my string bikini had come un-strung.
Mission Accomplished boy oh boy. If I knew that I could have had Yaya's undivided attention that easily I would have flashed him months ago. 'Baby Steps' I thought to myself. . . . . baby steps
Needless to say the rest of that summer was spent with Yaya and I going on "Ice Cream" runs and "Hikes" that would usually end with us making out and dry humping like two gorillas in the mist. I remember driving in his Uncle's Olds one afternoon and opening up the glove box and seeing a bunch of purple Trojans.
In my naivety I said "Who's are those?"
He was quick that Yaya "Oh those must be my Uncle's"
If you knew Yaya's Uncle - it would have seemed completely ludicrous, but not wanting to think anything more about it I just shrugged and giggled. I had no idea Yaya was humping other girls around town outside of his Levis. I think the reality would have killed me.
I was the crowned princess of tease keeping my virginity in tact. I knew most if not ALL of my friends were doing it, but I was petrified. Besides the thought of Yaya's chocodilly poking itself where it took me 3hrs to figure out a tampon goes was not in my plan. I was fine with what little interludes we had.
We would play our version of Super Mario where upon losing Player 1. would set the controller down while Player 2. then had to go on all fours and lean forward to grab the controller that was conveniently placed at the base of the tv, thus allowing Player 1. access to whatever was in front of them. Surprisingly enough I learned that this version of Naughty Nintendo could be played with just about any of the games. This gave new meaning to the term, 'blowing on the cartrige' when the game froze up.
We played a lot of Nintendo that summer - needless to say I still sucked (obvious pun intended)
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Footnotes:
*Paradise = something my parents drove into our heads as zygotes in the womb. If you follow the bible and do what Jesus says then you can live forever in paradise with all the wild animals. And you can play with them too - and they won't eat you! (Such a wild thought to a girl of 8 wanting to have a polar bear to ride on complete with pink painted fingernails, a tutu, and diamond tiara!)
**Haley = the only street in town where hookers were known to roam - especially transgendered ones
