Yaya, god bless him, wasn't the smartest of boys.
He suffered from dyslexia which pretty much made it impossible for him to read and write well; but what he lacked in scholastics he made up for physically in spades. Captain of the ski team, forestry volunteer, carpentry master.
I remember once he made this wooden heart fused together with two different types of wood and a brass hook in the center. I didn't care much for it then, but now I have the sense to treasure something like that. Too bad mom has it hanging in her sewing room ... where it will stay for eternity.
Yaya may have rode to school on the short bus, but you can bet, if it broke down he'd be under the hood fixing it before any half-wits along for the ride could have started to drooll for help.
Another thing Yaya excelled at was the xx chromosome! He could literally sneeze in a girls face with a booger sliding down his nose, and she would simply find the nearest corner of her shirt, wipe it away, and ask if he needed anything else? I was under that black cauldron spell myself until the that last summer vacation where it became quite clear I was Done . . .
Being in middle school and not caring much about the boys in my grade served me well. I had Barlow writing me love letters attesting to my striking resemblance to his current idol and obsession Madonna
- it is my personal belief that he just didn't know any other blonds who dressed so fashionable.
Then there was Deckard who asked me out on my way to English one day. This floored me because I never hung out with the skateboard/surf crew ... that was left to my *PIC Hilare (or longcase, or queenie, or ... there are just too many nicknames to fathom for the friend I had since preschool and beyond. I will have to make an entire cryptic [[irony at it's finest if you knew her]] blog about Hilare and the wiles of our friendship; but for the sake of this blog she was one of my best friends growing up and we pretty much did everything together)
Hilare was always hanging around the surfers and the beach, two of her biggest concerns besides her personal Allah ... the written word.
Then there was Do-wayne, the urcle of the only two afro boys in our school - and they were twins. Do-wayne asked to take me to a middle school dance and to a bball game held during the lunch period. I, of course, wasn't allowed to attend anything after school from fear of catching a personality or my own opinions; so I accepted the lunch game date inside the auditorium. He held my hand, causing quite the stir amongst the 8th graders. Not actually being into Do-wayne made the little jungle beachtown fever all the more fun for me. Suddenly Simone, popular amongst the 8th grade boy population because of her lap linguistics, was telling me my shoes were cute in the hallway instead of shouting behind me as I walked home from school "Dutchess if you walk any slower you're going to walk yourself into a coma" (True Story)
Needless to say there was not a shortage of male fanfare as far as I was concerned. However, that didn't stop me from my personal obsession ... Yaya.
I noticed the phone calls between Yaya and I had gotten shorter as time passed. His letters lacked interest in me and started to drift toward his delusions of grandeur. One of his most infamous Delusions, and my favorite to reiterate, is one that goes like this:
Yaya: "I love Snowboarding Dutchess. Did you know you can snowboard all year round if you plan it right?"
Dutchess: "Right?"
Yaya: "You want to know what my Ultimate dream is? My dream is, buy a Winnelbagel, and drive it to Australia in the summer so I can snowboard ALL YEAR ROUND!"
Dutchess: "Huh? a .... What-el-bagel?"
Yaya: "You know, what your dad has"
Dutchess: "Ooooooooooooooooooh (insert histerical maniacal laughter here) You mean a Winnebago"
Dumbass: "Right, that's what I said?"
I didn't have the heart to tell him where the flaws began to start with that dream - I figured once he tried to drive off the coast of Canada he'd realize motor vehicles don't float.
That was just one, from the many, of hopes slash dreams whatever guy in my life had decided to grace me with. As if I had this sign on my forehead reading 'Give me a Quarter and I'll Tell you your Fortune'
- I must have this doe eye look entrancing the hunter to shoot me between the eyes with a wealth of information I had absolutely no interest in. If I had a dollar for every time a guy told me "I've never shared this with anyone, but I just feel so comfortable with you" I'd be able to buy that new toile comforter set at bed bath and BEYOND WAY TOO MUCH F'in MONEY I've been eyeing.
I'm not sure whether to be flattered, annoyed, or insulted - but at any rate it currently gives me much needed fodder for my blogging comedic relief ... so SO be it!
Back to the idiot at hand
So the interest in me from a Yaya standpoint had dropped significatntly within the last time we saw each other. I guess him being on the verge of 17 he had bigger skirts to fry - I just didn't quite .... Get That. So in my #Teenage Dream I just didn't understand what I had done wrong? I soon, however, got my Rope in the Conservatory with Colonel Mustard.
After a long 13hr - non air conditioned - ride in the family hell bus** we arrived at Yaya's family's house. I naturally feigned indifference at the sight of Yaya's truck missing in the driveway. It would be a cold day in hell before I let anyone know I cared verbally - Although my lame attempt to sneak a look through his doorway on the way to the bathroom proved obvious enough to any onlooker.
Yaya's little brother, let's just call him Yoyo, came out to greet me.
"Dutchess!!" Large hug ensuing - I think he was more interested at the chance to touch a real teenage girl than he was in seeing me. Not wanting to wait the ten mississippi's it would take for Yoyo to pop a mini boner, I weaseled my way out of the hug asap.
"Hey where's your brother?" Knowing Yoyo's innate desire to be Yaya's third leg I knew he'd be the wealth of information I needed to get that 3rd leg up on what was going on while I was gone.
Yoyo: "Oh I never see him anymore. I think he's up at Backwoods Amy's"
Dutchess: "Amy? Who's that?"
Yoyo: "Oh that's his friend, they're always together. I think they're on a hike?"
Knowing that going on a 'Hike' was code for stick it and lick it, I felt my pink skin turn purple. I was under my own delusions of grandeur that I was Yaya's only desire. I soon learned just how HeGante' (Dutchess for: Large) my delusion actually was.
I decided to join the Seniors in the kitchen, sitting through a slew of topics of conversation I had absolutely NO interest in. I was hoping to catch a glimpse of what Yaya had been up to since my last visit, but his mom didn't really say much. His dad was too busy talking to my dad about his construction company. No one had even given a moment's thought to the fact that I was there fighting my eyelids listening to a bunch of boring seniors squawk about creaking knees and long winters up in Jahootieville***.
Finally Yaya's mom gave me the opening in the convo I was hoping for. She started telling my mom about how she was concerned for Yoyo because Yaya isn't around much anymore. Since he's been working for the forestry and out with his friends, she hardly sees him at all. I kept more quiet than Chaplin himself trying to discern just how long I'd have to wait before the Jerk decided to stop Hiking, come home, and B-line it for the shower.
Just as I was daydreaming of taking a bat to that old rusted shower head there was someone at the door.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK ....
I could hear the cast of sweet charity in my head "Who is it? Who is it? Who ... could she be?"
But it wasn't Sweet Charity - It was Janet ... Mis Jackson cause she's Nasty!
"Oh come in Janet" said Yaya's mom.
Janet was there looking for Yaya too? Wow ... just how many bitches this side of the mountain was he Hiking with anyway? I was infuriated and intrigued all at the same time. "Come in Janet and meet Dutchess" Great ... I come all the way from civilization to make new friends with this twat? Janet, however, not realizing I had any interest or impact on Yaya soon began to fill me in.
You see, Janet went to High School and Church with Yaya.
-Jackpot! Ding ding ding ding -
She told me how he was becoming quite the town gigolo taking worldly girls## on private Hikes and Snowboard lessons. She even filled me in on some pure adulterated smut about how he told his mom he was working a night shift at the forestry and he took some girl to the Prom instead. Jackie found out when one of her friends at school was handing out photos of it. You see, Janet was under some sick impression she was Yaya's girlfriend. She jumped at the chance to take one of the pictures from A Night Under the Pines over to his mom so she could see how handsome her son was ... all the while knowing the drama that would ensue.
Even though I wanted to hate Janet - I secretly loved her vindictive nature and we became fast friends plotting Yaya's death by Christian Parent Grounding Ritual.
If my memory serves I seem to remember the Glug of Yaya's pickup roll in that night around 8:00. My parents and his family were all having an outdoor BBq. Under normal circumstances, I'd be overcome with joy even to breathe the fumes from his tail pipe as the truck pulled up - I'd stand and wait asphyxiating for my hug and open mouth kiss.
- But not tonight baby! I cared more about washing dishes and playing Kings Corner with the seniors after dinner then seeing his stupid face complete with snaggle tooth staring back at me.
Funny how something you once loved about a person can then turn and twist itself into the actual light so you can see how gross it actually is - in this instance it was that damn sideways tooth. You could pull that thing out, bronze it, and sell it for a charm at the damn flea market on sunday it was so big.
Yaya breezed through the front door - "Hi Everyone" ...
Uuuugh so loud and obnoxious, I thought to myself. He came over and gave mom a huge hug "Hi Mom" he said ... I snapped back with a "She's not your mom you idiot!" I was willing to take the flack from saying that later. Mom quickly shot me the shut up look, but I think she more or less got the sense of what was going on sine I wasn't attached at the Levis to him.
Yaya went to give me a hug but I turned away, "I'd rather wait till you washed the forest stench off you." He looked puzzled the poor slow fool. He had no idea about my fun filled afternoon of plotting with Mis Jackson - and how we had planned to put his weekly 'Hiking' routine to a halt with one little photo. Poor slob, I actually felt sorry for him.
More like the joke was on us. Little did we know that as our parents would have locked us up in our towers with a bible and some spaghetti ... Yaya was a boy - and as such was pretty much allowed to do whatever the hell he wanted.
Long story short - his mom got mad about the photo, but did absolutely nothing about it.
The next day was our annual treck up into Medford Oregon with both families so our parents could shop without sales tax. Yaya and I assumed our usual position in the back of the Astro van ... but this time there was no hand jive involved. I was OVER him and his stupid tooth in so many ways. It wasn't long until our conversation went a little something like this:
Yaya: "So I've been meaning to talk to you about something"
Dutchess: "About what?"
Yaya: "Well you know how we have been seeing each other for a while and ... well you know being involved?"
Dutchess: "Ya, I guess. What about it?"
Yaya: "Ummm. Well, I think we should talk about moving on - Do you get what I'm saying? Take a different step"
Dutchess: "Are you talking about a ring?"
Yaya: "WHAT? No!"
Dutchess: "Oh" .... *long pause* "THANK GOD!"
He looked confused, I went and sat up with Yoyo in the middle extra seat on the way to the mall and didn't talk to him for the rest of the trip.
The seniors looked confused, but I think mom was more relieved at me not spending so much time with the rugged hormone trap. She actually bought me three times the amount of clothes that weekend; inside I knew it wasn't the sales tax she was investing in.
And that was the END of Yaya.
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*PIC = Partner In Crime
**Family Hell Bus = My father's sad excuse of what he called a "Motor Home" complete with with no air conditioning, a constant overheating engine, a 10" port-0-shitty in the back, and once it even caught on fire while in route - no joke ... it really was the "Family Hell Bus" Where anyone willing was invited to come along for the ride to places like 'Beautiful Sunny Tiajuanna' or a fun roll in the myer with the Hobo's ... come one come all to "Travel Village" just a hop skip and a barf away from Magic Mountain. Ahh good times!
***Jahootieville = Not a real city, but a word I deem appropriate to describe a town in the middle of nowhere significant. Known only to city folk as where Pine trees go to die and Hippies go to lie.
#Teenage Dream = Katie Perry's cute cupcake of an album - speaks volumes and she is from my hometown
## Worldly Girls = Girls who did not go to the same church as Yaya and our parents
