After my brief brush with hormonal insanity caused by Yaya*, like a junkie I oddly wanted more.
Freshman year circa 1993. I was more excited then ever to see what male prospects there might be for me other than the same fucktarded bunch I knew since K-8th.
Sis had already graduated with one of those lame gold cords they give to students who got straight A's their entire 4 years of HS. A cord I would rather use as a belt to accessorize then display as an achievement - Gross! The very thought of having to pay attention to anything other than what the teachers were wearing made me fantasize about making that cord into a noose to hang myself with.
Being more of an Artist than an actual student proved me more along the lines of a B+ average at best. I would have probably been a straight C student had my parental units not threatened me with that damn bible in the tower and spaghetti thing again. Bringing home anything less than a B was unacceptable (to my father especially).
I remember once getting a C in P.E. - Dad almost had a heart attack "NO DAUGHTER OF MINE GET'S A C IN P.E.! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
I really didn't know what was wrong with me, other than the thought of running around a dirt track in red hotpants and showering in jail stalls with my fellow naked classmates wasn't my idea of an "A" worthy experience.
Mrs. Assbanks, our very own P.E. personal Hitler, secretly hated me because I would always run one lap and then walk the rest. I wouldn't even walk fast - She would stand there with her stop watch as I'd finish my last lap along side the only obese girl in school who literally couldn't run. "35 MINTUES!" she would yell at me every time and shake her head.
I didn't want to my already abnormally pink piglet skin turning lobster red for the next class. Other students might worry I'd suffer a stroke between English and Math.
Freshman year - 1993. I shopped for weeks before school just to have the right outfits. Back then flowered skirts and baby doll dresses were in, along with the grunge look. I was more of a Barrymore than a Love girl. I remember seeing Mad Love and going out to a bunch of 2nd hand stores looking for vintage slips and butterfly dresses with Doc Martins.
You would think a Bosco** girl would be far from shy about meeting new boys at school. If anyone had seen any of the homemade videos I made that summer; including the commercial I taped of myself screaming the lyrics to:
"COMET ... IT MAKES YOU'RE MOUTH TURN GREEEEEEEEEEN. COMET, IT TASTES LIKE GAS-O-LEAN!!! COMET, IT MAKES YOU VOMIT ... SO BUY YOUR COMET ... AND VOMIT .... TOOOOOOO DAAAAAY!" they'd certainly run for the hills - but for some reason, this year I was abnormally quiet and shy.
Virgin territory ... Quiet and Shy? Anyone who knows me now would fall over in their chair laughing at the thought. But yes, all the older boys and their budding facial hair and keys jingling in their pockets mesmerized me to no end.
I was hoping to have some upperclassmen in my elective classes that year. I made sure Art was the first elective scratched with my No.2 pencil in that tiny little bubble on our elective sheets. That was where I met Wahwah.
Wahwah was an odd one alright. Standing just under 6ft sporting a Pompadour, black trench coat, and steel toed boots I never quite understood his style? Was he going for the urban cowboy look, or was he about to knock off a convenient store? Whatever the case I caught his gaze on my way to Art class and we immediately locked eyes.
Wahwah: "Haaa hah hi"
Dutchess: "Hello"
Wahwah: "Where are ya yah yoou going beautiful?"
Dutchess: "To Art class, but I think I'm lost" (I wasn't really, but to have the chance at speaking ten more mississippis to this dollfaced oddball really appealed to me)
Wahwah: "Oooh wa wah welll let me take yu yah you there. I ha hah have art too."
Ok - so by now I'm sure you've noticed that Wahwah not only dressed unique, but also had a quirky speech impediment too. I immediately wanted to squeeze him and fell in la lah loove (a little stutter humor)
Wahwah walked me into Mr.Sexkins Art class. Mr. Sexkins resembled a former 70's porn star that decided to come down from the benders and teach an art class. He had tanned skin, bright crystal blue eyes, and long brown feathered hair that would make even Farrah Fawcett green with envy. I knew I'd love this class!
I closely watched Wahwah, how he sat in the back with his other art weirdo buddies and they were all whispering amongst themselves. Secretly wishing I was the subject of their jawing, I sat back and watched Sexkins write his name on the chalkboard and turn around to the class with his yard stick . . .
SLAMMMMMM!
Sexkins slammed his yardstick down on the table. "Now that I have your attention, here are the rules."
"You can talk as long as it doesn't interfere with your neighbor's artwork. I don't tolerate any monkey business, and anyone who doesn't like it can leave this class. I'm passing out the next 5 Art assignments, feel free to start on them in any order you choose. You are welcome to bring in music to listen to, but I will be monitoring the volume and so on."
I liked how authoritative Sexkins was when he spoke. I imagined him to be that way with his dates too.
"I really like you; but I don't tolerate any monkey business, and if you don't like the way my locks blow in the wind you can leave this date!"
Wahwah came over and asked if he could sa sah sit with me. I. of course acquiesced, my stomach teaming with papilios^
He sat down next to me and I noticed his dark forest green JanSport that looked like it had been through the vietnam war. I also noticed he had scribbled many little cartoons and sayings on the bottom leather half. One immediately caught my attention. It said "Bung Hole" - and I digress ... at that point in my sheltered biblical swaddled life I had no clue what that meant, but I was determined not only to find out; but to make Wahwah my new love interest.
Wahwah pulled out a cassette tape from the small zipper compartment of his JanSport and started walking up to the little paint spattered ghettoblaster to put it in. I noticed on the front of it he had written in all caps:
THE SMITHS / MORRISSEY at that point I didn't know who that band/person was but I wanted to find out instantaneously.
As the first few bars of 'Shoplifters of the World' played I dreamed of what our wedding day would be like. Wahwah riding down the isle in black leather chaps, glistening gold belt buckle, and trench. Me with my victorian veil and white leather miniskirt and CFM* shoes. My mother would have cried - but not from Joy
Wahwah soon struck up a conversation with me about where I was from, what other classes I was taking, and then let me know casually that if I needed anything he would make it his business to help. I loved how attentive and interested he was. Being so virginal I didn't realize that Wahwah was less interested in my dress so much as he was seeing it on his bedroom floor.
I was so naive, but at that point it really served me well.
============================================
*Yaya = My first boyfriend. See blogs: "Yaya Part Un", "Do", and "Done"
**Bosco = My Sicilian last name
^Papilios = latin word for butterfly
*CFM = Come Fuck Me
Monday, June 4, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
Wah Wah the Great - Part II
I was "Fresh Meat" as the Seniors so fervently called us little newbie freshmen.
Not exactly knowing the crass meaning, I decided I liked hearing it - despite throwing a shocked anime four fingered over-the-mouth gasp when it was shouted at me from across the quad.
I remember only instances of Wah-wah, fore we did not date. I of course, brought up a good little christian automaton*, wasn't allowed to date.
Here are a few of the fond memories I had that year we spent together in school.
---------------------------------- INSTANCE No.1------------------------------------------
Wah-wah would pass by me in the hall a few times throughout the school day. Once on the way to English, once on the way to Typing, and if I was lucky he would find me on my way to lunch.
I always looked forward to seeing him before typing class, it made the impending doom of Mrs. Whiplash's shrill strangled cat voice seem like the first soft notes of Debussy*
Mrs Whiplash, better known as the Diet Coke Crack Queen, would hurl out in her best pinched nose Aunt Spiker voice:
"A-SPACE, S-SPACE, D-SPACE, F-SPACE"
"F-SPACE, F-SPACE, EEEEEEEF-SPAAAAAACE, LET ME SEE THOSE FINGERS TYPING AND HEADS UP PEOPLE!!!!"
I have nightmares of that voice even to this day. She always seemed so uptight, I wasn't sure if it was the fire engine red lacquered belt she kept synced the circumference of a tennis ball around her waist; or all the adrenalin pumping from finishing a 64oz big gulp of diet coke before 2nd period
- but whatever it was, this woman had a lust for everything rigid. I'd imagine the only way her husband could get her to play with his junk would be to draw some letters down there with a sharpie and tell her to practice her home keys.
On my way to English one day Wah-wah stopped me and held my hand for a minute until he could put a small treasure inside it. I smelt the pungent sulfur from my eyelashes as they started to singe from the hormonal fire encompassing my brain. Hot, bothered, and embarrassed all at once I was about to internally cum cum cuuumbust.
Wah-wah, not understanding my lack of consciousness, looked worried and asked:
Wah-wah: "Are you alright Darlin?"
Inside my head I was screaming .... 'Darlin!' 'He called me Darlin!'
'I want to lick his face like dog and have him pet my hair!!!'
Dutchess: "Wait, where did that come from?"
Wah-wah: "Huh? I wra wra wrote it for you saah sah sweetie"
Dutchess: "Ooh, (nervous giggling) Oh oh right, sorry I was thinking out loud. Thank you, I'll read it in English" I wanted to read it right then and there and could barely stop my fingers from ripping the damn thing in two I was so excited!
People started staring as they passed us. Wah-wah still holding my little trembling hand, his piercing aqua eyes held mine. I was impressed at his ambivalence toward the gawkers and snickering sheep that sauntered past. "I, I have to go" I said almost tripping over my red flowered dress whilst clutching my new found treasure.
I made it back to my seat just in time for the bell to blare "Buuuzzzzzzzzzzzz" Or was it the bell? Maybe it was just my ears ringing so loudly I confused myself for a fire alarm? Whatever the case, inquiring minds wanted to know just what was going on. I could feel eyes boring into my fist as I tried to cleverly hide my elation feigning disdain for the reading review that we were all about to encounter.
Don't forget, 27 out of the 30 kids in our class had all been in K-8th with me. They knew Hilare# and my other biblically automated compatriots were within the extent of my visitation rights. To see me talking to a worldly* boy must have been as shocking as one of those little crackers walking past Rosa Parks sitting in the first seat on their way to theirs in 1955 on that damn bus.
Mr. Books, our English teacher, started class as he usually did with some witty Shakespearean banter references to modern colloquialisms, anyone with half a brain would have thought hysterical; yet to our poorly dim lit class was just wasted breath. He would always say, “Hello is this thing on?"
Books started our reading review and I carefully unfolded the tight origamic like folds in this fabulous handwritten letter. I felt like Otto Frank carefully reading each word as if I was about to uncover deep dark secrets from a life of adventure and turmoil wrapped up in this tiny paper.
It read:
"Dearest Danielle,
I saw you from a far and wanted to write to you and get to know you better. We only have Art class together, and I'm glad you have an interest in that. You truly are a beautiful creature. If you ever need someone to talk to, or a guide to getting through your next year here at BeachTown High, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Yours Truly,
Wah-wah The Great!
Ps. Do you like the Smiths?"
I was beyond myself after receiving such a note as this. I had never been in this situation before. My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking as I kept reading it over, and over, and over, and over again. Being the little attention whore I was born to be, and seeing in writing "You truly are a beautiful creature" again was not something my overinflated bubblehead needed to see at that moment.
Hilare sat near me, despite most teacher's protesting, in almost every class we had together. She kept giving me the eyes and tapping her finger.
Hilare: "Gimme gimme, let me see, WHAT IS THAT WOMAN!!?"
I proudly passed the note and after class we were squealing down the corridors.
Hilare: "Who on earth is Wah-wah the Great? And why would anyone refer to himself as such?"
(Hilare had a vocabulary that would put most mensa members to shame - having been addicted to the written word since she could formulate a sentence. Most times I had no clue what she was talking about, but trust me when I say that I am not rephrasing her wording to make her appear a certain way ... she really did talk like that)
Dutchess: "He is this guy I met. He's in my Art class"
Hilare: "You mean that weirdo who looks like he is about to rob Stop N' Go?"
Dutchess: "Ya, (giggling) that guy. Hey do you know who the Smiths are?"
Hilare: "Oh my child, the Smiths are an amazing group from England. You simply must hear there music! I can't believe he just gave you that note, you better hide it in your locker before your crazy mother sees it and gives you the 10th degree!"
Hilare was always helping me be more stealth, as I had the lying skills of a golden retriever. Somehow that girl was able to evade most questioning by parents as I would always be held up by my ankles confessing things I didn't even do like Chunk from the Goonies.
I hid the note, along with several others we had exchanged in my locker. I had to make sure my parental units were unawares of my admirer before topics of home-school became a subject of concern.
----------------------------------INSTANCE No.2---------------------------------------------
I remember, as my familiarity with Wah-wah grew stronger, the day I asked him a question most 6yr olds today already understand ... yet it always puzzled me.
The scene is set once again in the Art room where we spent most of our breaks and free-time; as entrusted to us by Mr. Sexkins* clearly we were becoming favorites. I knew if I asked anyone else, not only would they never stop making fun of me, but soon the whole school would really think I was Pollyanna.
Dutchess: "I need to ask you something"
Wah-wah: "Wha waahat is it Darling"
Dutchess: "You have to SWEAR to me you won't laugh. And Swwwwweaaar you won't tell anyone else what I am about to ask you"
Wah-wah: "Whaaat ti iss is it?"
Dutchess: "That doesn't sound like you're sworn to secrecy! Please I'm begging you, you can't tell a sole but I always wanted to know something and it's really lame... but I don't trust anyone else to tell me the truth."
Wah-wah: He took my face in his hands "Aah aallright beautiful, I sss sah saawear. What is it?"
Dutchess: "Promise you won't Laugh NOW?"
Wah-wah: "Shit Dutchie, I PROMISE! Now wah wah waahat has you sah saah so confused?"
Dutchess: (long pause, thumbs twirling) "Well I always wondered"
Wah-wah: "Yes???"
Dutchess: "How do gay guys do it?"
He looked at me, mouth wide open, dropped his head down on the table and braced himself with both hands creating a downward facing dog formation so he could let out the largest guttural Santa laugh I think I've ever encountered.
Wah-wah: "OH GOD, OH GOD, I'M SAH SAAH SORRY BABY BUT ARE YAH YOOOU KI KID KIDDING ME WITH THIS?"
I was angry and embarrassed, but I really wanted to know so I let out with my teeny bo-peep voice
Dutchess: "yes, I want to know. You said you wouldn't laugh"
Wah-wah: "I'm sss sss sorry angel, I just keep fah faa forgetting how innocent yah yah you really are. Gay guys do it in their butts"
Ok ok ... let me pause for emphasis here when I reiterate for the billionth and a half time how Innocent I really was. I didn't know anyone would use that area for anything other than an Exit after a large meal. I got a really disgusted look on my face and let out a large gasp
Dutchess: "Ewwww Gross, that is DISGUSTING!"
not really wanting to know how he knew this - but pleased to now be in the 'know' of modern pop culture I now looked at the cover of Bowie vinyls so much differently than before.
Wah-wah immediately swooped me up off my feet and kissed me on the mouth, "You're such an angel I don't believe you sometimes!"
------------------------------------INSTANCE No.3-----------------------------------
I knew my brief interludes with Wah-wah weren't going to be enough entertainment for a raging hormonal Senior, and it was only a matter of time before he grew tired of my modonnalike ways and dropped me like a bad habit. For christ's sake we hadn't even kissed yet and it almost November.
I was trying to come up with clever ways to make it out of the house on a Saturday without my mother asking me to leave a Hansel & Gretel bread crumb trail behind. Hilare had mentioned to me once that she used to tell her mom she was going to "walk the dog" and then disappear off to whatever love interest she had at the moment. I had wanted to try that shenanigan with Beau** but never had the nerve. I figured today might be that day.
I gave Beau a bath in the laundry room sink, trying to make it seem not quite so obvious my sudden interest in walking him. I had no idea my little devious plan would work so quickly.
Mom walked in: "Hey Dutch what arr ... oh you're washing Beau, good girl, no one ever plays with that poor little boy. Hi Widdle Boooy ... How Are You Today?"
I saw my opening and grabbed it glassy eyed just as I would a pair of discounted Guess jeans off the rack!
Dutchess: "Ya mom, I was going to take him on a walk too, poor little guy"
Mom: "A walk where Dutch?"
Dutchess: "Oh ....(brain searching) just down to Thrifties"
Mom: "You know you can't take him in there Dutch, they don't allow animals inside"
(Insert deep eye rolling moment)
Dutchess: "I KNOW MOM I'M NOT RETARDED!"
Mom: "Ok just telling you. Be home before it gets dark Dutch I'm making dinner, your father is home tonight."
Dutchess: "Ok mom no problem"
She shut the door and I think my heart leaped out of my chest. She totally bought it! I did a little dance of joy that made Beau start to bark with excitement.
Beau: "Baaaark Baaaark AaarrrrrrrrrrrRuuuf RUFF" (translation: Finally you stupid bitch, I've been here over 8 years now and you're just now realizing I'm your GD Golden Ticket?")
Dutchess: "Ok ok Beau, let's get a move on"
I picked up his leash and carefully selected an ensemble that didn't scream 'I'm going to go see my Senior boy crush in hopes of getting kissed' Beau was a good little boy, he always just chilled wherever I went - and today I used it to my advantage.
Wah-wah didn't live that far from me so I was off to see the wonderful wizard of weird. I reached his street and was about to chicken out until I noticed something strange. There in the driveway were several bikes and backpacks ... what was this? Was there some after-school study group at Wah-wah's house I didn't know about? I walked closer and tried to inconspicuously walk Beau closer to the halfway open garage where music was drifting out of so effortlessly.
Just as I was about to stop and pretend to tie my shoe I noticed him.
Wah-wah: "Whaaa wah what are you dooo do doing here beautiful?"
Dutchess: "Oh wow, you live here? I was just walking my dog" as soon as I heard the lie escape my lips it suddenly felt easier and easier.
Wah-wah: "Wah wa wow, I am sah sa surprised to see you is all. Do yah ya you want to cah come in?"
Dutchess: "You sure? looks like you already have company" ( I was so obviously trying hard to be coy - all the while praying he saw right through my fake pleasantries)
Wah-wah: "Doh do don't be silly girl, come in here we're working out"
I followed him into the garage where I saw a weight bench and a few of my fellow upperclassmen using a 45lbs weight bar to do some benching. A few I recognized, but never dared talk to on my own. Then from the corner of my eye I noticed something intriguing - What was it you ask? It was another girl! Dorkney Sanders ... Whaa wah what the hell was she doing here, I thought (I was so jealous I stuttered in my own head as I thought it)
Wah-wah quickly introduced me, even though I'm sure people knew very well of who I was. They probably thought it was some strange Jdub holiday that let me out of my gilded tower for the afternoon sans bible.
Wah-wah: "Everyone this is Dutchess. Dutchess ... everyone"
a few guys looked up n waved, I knew freckleface Andy from the gate program but some of the others were a mystery I didn't care to solve. Seeing Dorkney, whom I always just considered a math nerd devoid of personality, made my curiosity peak higher than Fuji.
Seriously what the fuddrucker was she doing there, was she with freckleface? Not wanting to spend enough time to figure out what, when, or wah wa why she was there I decided to play the bait n leave game.
Dutchess: "Hey Wah-wah do you have a bathroom I can use?"
Wah-wah: "Yah yah ya, come with mah ma me"
I followed him inside carefully examining each and every inch of American shabby decor I hadn't expected to see. How did this Gothic Cowboy arise from a family that chose cute gingham curtains with matching ceramic duck pepper shakers? He quickly went upstairs and I followed along with my little Beau.
Wah-wah: "Bathroom's here"
Dutchess: "Thanks, be right out. Mind watching Beau for me?"
Wah-wah: "Shhhhh sha shure"
Dutchess: "He doesn't bite, don't worry"
I didn't really have to use the bathroom, I just wanted an excuse to be alone with him. I quickly studied myself in the little wall mirror. Yup, all good. I gave my long blonde hair a quick toss then flushed the toilet. After closing the door I noticed Wah-wah kneeling on the ground wrestling around with little Beau, it was really cute.
Wah-wah: "Hhah ha honestly I'm sha sa shocked to see you. How did yah ya you get out of your hah ha house little girl?"
His stutter gave me such amazing butterflies, I wanted to rip Beau out of his arms and jump in them until we were the ones on the ground wrestling. Man I was quickly becoming a huge whore in my mind even though I had no idea where the thoughts were coming from.
Dutchess: "Oh I walk Beau every Saturday, today I just took a different route. I had no idea you lived over here. I've always loved that house on the corner with the handmade birdhouse."
Wah-wah: "Wah wa well whatever reason yah ya you're here I'm happy to saah sa see you. Come-mere you!" He quickly grabbed me and gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek. The one I had been imagining while I humped my remote every sunday morning before meeting*
I looked up into those huge aquamarine eyes and gave him my best Donna Martin doe eyed look of lust ...
but then there were footsteps .... ... .. .
and then a voice ... ... .. .
Dorkney: "Hey what's going on, I thought you were going to help me with ...." She paused and mouth dropped when she saw us hugging.
Off ran Dorkney down the stairs; I grinned up at Wah-wah harder and harder with each stomp she took down the stairs. STOMP grin STOMP grin STOMP .... toothy grin
I'm sure he could tell I loved it.
I was running out of time, and as I looked up again my communication was clear. I felt like Jennifer Grey minus the horrid perm as we made out he lifted me up. Hands roving everywhere, I could feel what I thought might be Beau's leash poking at me between us ... then realizing it wasn't that at all ... It was so hot and unexpected.
but then another interruption .....
"Waaaaaaaaaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, can you come fix your rrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaadiooooooo"
The girl I am today would have grabbed him by the hair and said "She can figure it out herself" then led him straight to the bedroom & locked the door. But the girl I was then didn't know much about the game. We broke apart and he looked stunned. I took that opportunity to leave just as things were real torrid, maybe he'd think about me later when everyone had left and played his favorite tune on the skin flute.
I walked past everyone, Beau following, and gave a small waive. Dorkney glared as I walked past, and I had a new found joy to create a green monster in other girls.
==================================================
*automaton, is a self-operating machine - term often used to describe a robot
** debussy, a famous classical song by claire de lune
#Hilare, my best childhood friend since birth
*Worldly, anyone who did not go to the same church as my parents were considered "Worldly" and I was sternly counseled NOT to hang out with this type of person from fear of catching their disease.
*Mr. Sexbanks, my Art teacher
**Beau, my pure white Cockapoo supposedly the 'families' dog, yet I was the only one who took care of the poor thing.
*Meeting, what Jdubs call church
Not exactly knowing the crass meaning, I decided I liked hearing it - despite throwing a shocked anime four fingered over-the-mouth gasp when it was shouted at me from across the quad.
I remember only instances of Wah-wah, fore we did not date. I of course, brought up a good little christian automaton*, wasn't allowed to date.
Here are a few of the fond memories I had that year we spent together in school.
---------------------------------- INSTANCE No.1------------------------------------------
Wah-wah would pass by me in the hall a few times throughout the school day. Once on the way to English, once on the way to Typing, and if I was lucky he would find me on my way to lunch.
I always looked forward to seeing him before typing class, it made the impending doom of Mrs. Whiplash's shrill strangled cat voice seem like the first soft notes of Debussy*
Mrs Whiplash, better known as the Diet Coke Crack Queen, would hurl out in her best pinched nose Aunt Spiker voice:
"A-SPACE, S-SPACE, D-SPACE, F-SPACE"
"F-SPACE, F-SPACE, EEEEEEEF-SPAAAAAACE, LET ME SEE THOSE FINGERS TYPING AND HEADS UP PEOPLE!!!!"
I have nightmares of that voice even to this day. She always seemed so uptight, I wasn't sure if it was the fire engine red lacquered belt she kept synced the circumference of a tennis ball around her waist; or all the adrenalin pumping from finishing a 64oz big gulp of diet coke before 2nd period
- but whatever it was, this woman had a lust for everything rigid. I'd imagine the only way her husband could get her to play with his junk would be to draw some letters down there with a sharpie and tell her to practice her home keys.
On my way to English one day Wah-wah stopped me and held my hand for a minute until he could put a small treasure inside it. I smelt the pungent sulfur from my eyelashes as they started to singe from the hormonal fire encompassing my brain. Hot, bothered, and embarrassed all at once I was about to internally cum cum cuuumbust.
Wah-wah, not understanding my lack of consciousness, looked worried and asked:
Wah-wah: "Are you alright Darlin?"
Inside my head I was screaming .... 'Darlin!' 'He called me Darlin!'
'I want to lick his face like dog and have him pet my hair!!!'
Dutchess: "Wait, where did that come from?"
Wah-wah: "Huh? I wra wra wrote it for you saah sah sweetie"
Dutchess: "Ooh, (nervous giggling) Oh oh right, sorry I was thinking out loud. Thank you, I'll read it in English" I wanted to read it right then and there and could barely stop my fingers from ripping the damn thing in two I was so excited!
People started staring as they passed us. Wah-wah still holding my little trembling hand, his piercing aqua eyes held mine. I was impressed at his ambivalence toward the gawkers and snickering sheep that sauntered past. "I, I have to go" I said almost tripping over my red flowered dress whilst clutching my new found treasure.
I made it back to my seat just in time for the bell to blare "Buuuzzzzzzzzzzzz" Or was it the bell? Maybe it was just my ears ringing so loudly I confused myself for a fire alarm? Whatever the case, inquiring minds wanted to know just what was going on. I could feel eyes boring into my fist as I tried to cleverly hide my elation feigning disdain for the reading review that we were all about to encounter.
Don't forget, 27 out of the 30 kids in our class had all been in K-8th with me. They knew Hilare# and my other biblically automated compatriots were within the extent of my visitation rights. To see me talking to a worldly* boy must have been as shocking as one of those little crackers walking past Rosa Parks sitting in the first seat on their way to theirs in 1955 on that damn bus.
Mr. Books, our English teacher, started class as he usually did with some witty Shakespearean banter references to modern colloquialisms, anyone with half a brain would have thought hysterical; yet to our poorly dim lit class was just wasted breath. He would always say, “Hello is this thing on?"
Books started our reading review and I carefully unfolded the tight origamic like folds in this fabulous handwritten letter. I felt like Otto Frank carefully reading each word as if I was about to uncover deep dark secrets from a life of adventure and turmoil wrapped up in this tiny paper.
It read:
"Dearest Danielle,
I saw you from a far and wanted to write to you and get to know you better. We only have Art class together, and I'm glad you have an interest in that. You truly are a beautiful creature. If you ever need someone to talk to, or a guide to getting through your next year here at BeachTown High, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Yours Truly,
Wah-wah The Great!
Ps. Do you like the Smiths?"
I was beyond myself after receiving such a note as this. I had never been in this situation before. My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking as I kept reading it over, and over, and over, and over again. Being the little attention whore I was born to be, and seeing in writing "You truly are a beautiful creature" again was not something my overinflated bubblehead needed to see at that moment.
Hilare sat near me, despite most teacher's protesting, in almost every class we had together. She kept giving me the eyes and tapping her finger.
Hilare: "Gimme gimme, let me see, WHAT IS THAT WOMAN!!?"
I proudly passed the note and after class we were squealing down the corridors.
Hilare: "Who on earth is Wah-wah the Great? And why would anyone refer to himself as such?"
(Hilare had a vocabulary that would put most mensa members to shame - having been addicted to the written word since she could formulate a sentence. Most times I had no clue what she was talking about, but trust me when I say that I am not rephrasing her wording to make her appear a certain way ... she really did talk like that)
Dutchess: "He is this guy I met. He's in my Art class"
Hilare: "You mean that weirdo who looks like he is about to rob Stop N' Go?"
Dutchess: "Ya, (giggling) that guy. Hey do you know who the Smiths are?"
Hilare: "Oh my child, the Smiths are an amazing group from England. You simply must hear there music! I can't believe he just gave you that note, you better hide it in your locker before your crazy mother sees it and gives you the 10th degree!"
Hilare was always helping me be more stealth, as I had the lying skills of a golden retriever. Somehow that girl was able to evade most questioning by parents as I would always be held up by my ankles confessing things I didn't even do like Chunk from the Goonies.
I hid the note, along with several others we had exchanged in my locker. I had to make sure my parental units were unawares of my admirer before topics of home-school became a subject of concern.
----------------------------------INSTANCE No.2---------------------------------------------
I remember, as my familiarity with Wah-wah grew stronger, the day I asked him a question most 6yr olds today already understand ... yet it always puzzled me.
The scene is set once again in the Art room where we spent most of our breaks and free-time; as entrusted to us by Mr. Sexkins* clearly we were becoming favorites. I knew if I asked anyone else, not only would they never stop making fun of me, but soon the whole school would really think I was Pollyanna.
Dutchess: "I need to ask you something"
Wah-wah: "Wha waahat is it Darling"
Dutchess: "You have to SWEAR to me you won't laugh. And Swwwwweaaar you won't tell anyone else what I am about to ask you"
Wah-wah: "Whaaat ti iss is it?"
Dutchess: "That doesn't sound like you're sworn to secrecy! Please I'm begging you, you can't tell a sole but I always wanted to know something and it's really lame... but I don't trust anyone else to tell me the truth."
Wah-wah: He took my face in his hands "Aah aallright beautiful, I sss sah saawear. What is it?"
Dutchess: "Promise you won't Laugh NOW?"
Wah-wah: "Shit Dutchie, I PROMISE! Now wah wah waahat has you sah saah so confused?"
Dutchess: (long pause, thumbs twirling) "Well I always wondered"
Wah-wah: "Yes???"
Dutchess: "How do gay guys do it?"
He looked at me, mouth wide open, dropped his head down on the table and braced himself with both hands creating a downward facing dog formation so he could let out the largest guttural Santa laugh I think I've ever encountered.
Wah-wah: "OH GOD, OH GOD, I'M SAH SAAH SORRY BABY BUT ARE YAH YOOOU KI KID KIDDING ME WITH THIS?"
I was angry and embarrassed, but I really wanted to know so I let out with my teeny bo-peep voice
Dutchess: "yes, I want to know. You said you wouldn't laugh"
Wah-wah: "I'm sss sss sorry angel, I just keep fah faa forgetting how innocent yah yah you really are. Gay guys do it in their butts"
Ok ok ... let me pause for emphasis here when I reiterate for the billionth and a half time how Innocent I really was. I didn't know anyone would use that area for anything other than an Exit after a large meal. I got a really disgusted look on my face and let out a large gasp
Dutchess: "Ewwww Gross, that is DISGUSTING!"
not really wanting to know how he knew this - but pleased to now be in the 'know' of modern pop culture I now looked at the cover of Bowie vinyls so much differently than before.
Wah-wah immediately swooped me up off my feet and kissed me on the mouth, "You're such an angel I don't believe you sometimes!"
------------------------------------INSTANCE No.3-----------------------------------
I knew my brief interludes with Wah-wah weren't going to be enough entertainment for a raging hormonal Senior, and it was only a matter of time before he grew tired of my modonnalike ways and dropped me like a bad habit. For christ's sake we hadn't even kissed yet and it almost November.
I was trying to come up with clever ways to make it out of the house on a Saturday without my mother asking me to leave a Hansel & Gretel bread crumb trail behind. Hilare had mentioned to me once that she used to tell her mom she was going to "walk the dog" and then disappear off to whatever love interest she had at the moment. I had wanted to try that shenanigan with Beau** but never had the nerve. I figured today might be that day.
I gave Beau a bath in the laundry room sink, trying to make it seem not quite so obvious my sudden interest in walking him. I had no idea my little devious plan would work so quickly.
Mom walked in: "Hey Dutch what arr ... oh you're washing Beau, good girl, no one ever plays with that poor little boy. Hi Widdle Boooy ... How Are You Today?"
I saw my opening and grabbed it glassy eyed just as I would a pair of discounted Guess jeans off the rack!
Dutchess: "Ya mom, I was going to take him on a walk too, poor little guy"
Mom: "A walk where Dutch?"
Dutchess: "Oh ....(brain searching) just down to Thrifties"
Mom: "You know you can't take him in there Dutch, they don't allow animals inside"
(Insert deep eye rolling moment)
Dutchess: "I KNOW MOM I'M NOT RETARDED!"
Mom: "Ok just telling you. Be home before it gets dark Dutch I'm making dinner, your father is home tonight."
Dutchess: "Ok mom no problem"
She shut the door and I think my heart leaped out of my chest. She totally bought it! I did a little dance of joy that made Beau start to bark with excitement.
Beau: "Baaaark Baaaark AaarrrrrrrrrrrRuuuf RUFF" (translation: Finally you stupid bitch, I've been here over 8 years now and you're just now realizing I'm your GD Golden Ticket?")
Dutchess: "Ok ok Beau, let's get a move on"
I picked up his leash and carefully selected an ensemble that didn't scream 'I'm going to go see my Senior boy crush in hopes of getting kissed' Beau was a good little boy, he always just chilled wherever I went - and today I used it to my advantage.
Wah-wah didn't live that far from me so I was off to see the wonderful wizard of weird. I reached his street and was about to chicken out until I noticed something strange. There in the driveway were several bikes and backpacks ... what was this? Was there some after-school study group at Wah-wah's house I didn't know about? I walked closer and tried to inconspicuously walk Beau closer to the halfway open garage where music was drifting out of so effortlessly.
Just as I was about to stop and pretend to tie my shoe I noticed him.
Wah-wah: "Whaaa wah what are you dooo do doing here beautiful?"
Dutchess: "Oh wow, you live here? I was just walking my dog" as soon as I heard the lie escape my lips it suddenly felt easier and easier.
Wah-wah: "Wah wa wow, I am sah sa surprised to see you is all. Do yah ya you want to cah come in?"
Dutchess: "You sure? looks like you already have company" ( I was so obviously trying hard to be coy - all the while praying he saw right through my fake pleasantries)
Wah-wah: "Doh do don't be silly girl, come in here we're working out"
I followed him into the garage where I saw a weight bench and a few of my fellow upperclassmen using a 45lbs weight bar to do some benching. A few I recognized, but never dared talk to on my own. Then from the corner of my eye I noticed something intriguing - What was it you ask? It was another girl! Dorkney Sanders ... Whaa wah what the hell was she doing here, I thought (I was so jealous I stuttered in my own head as I thought it)
Wah-wah quickly introduced me, even though I'm sure people knew very well of who I was. They probably thought it was some strange Jdub holiday that let me out of my gilded tower for the afternoon sans bible.
Wah-wah: "Everyone this is Dutchess. Dutchess ... everyone"
a few guys looked up n waved, I knew freckleface Andy from the gate program but some of the others were a mystery I didn't care to solve. Seeing Dorkney, whom I always just considered a math nerd devoid of personality, made my curiosity peak higher than Fuji.
Seriously what the fuddrucker was she doing there, was she with freckleface? Not wanting to spend enough time to figure out what, when, or wah wa why she was there I decided to play the bait n leave game.
Dutchess: "Hey Wah-wah do you have a bathroom I can use?"
Wah-wah: "Yah yah ya, come with mah ma me"
I followed him inside carefully examining each and every inch of American shabby decor I hadn't expected to see. How did this Gothic Cowboy arise from a family that chose cute gingham curtains with matching ceramic duck pepper shakers? He quickly went upstairs and I followed along with my little Beau.
Wah-wah: "Bathroom's here"
Dutchess: "Thanks, be right out. Mind watching Beau for me?"
Wah-wah: "Shhhhh sha shure"
Dutchess: "He doesn't bite, don't worry"
I didn't really have to use the bathroom, I just wanted an excuse to be alone with him. I quickly studied myself in the little wall mirror. Yup, all good. I gave my long blonde hair a quick toss then flushed the toilet. After closing the door I noticed Wah-wah kneeling on the ground wrestling around with little Beau, it was really cute.
Wah-wah: "Hhah ha honestly I'm sha sa shocked to see you. How did yah ya you get out of your hah ha house little girl?"
His stutter gave me such amazing butterflies, I wanted to rip Beau out of his arms and jump in them until we were the ones on the ground wrestling. Man I was quickly becoming a huge whore in my mind even though I had no idea where the thoughts were coming from.
Dutchess: "Oh I walk Beau every Saturday, today I just took a different route. I had no idea you lived over here. I've always loved that house on the corner with the handmade birdhouse."
Wah-wah: "Wah wa well whatever reason yah ya you're here I'm happy to saah sa see you. Come-mere you!" He quickly grabbed me and gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek. The one I had been imagining while I humped my remote every sunday morning before meeting*
I looked up into those huge aquamarine eyes and gave him my best Donna Martin doe eyed look of lust ...
but then there were footsteps .... ... .. .
and then a voice ... ... .. .
Dorkney: "Hey what's going on, I thought you were going to help me with ...." She paused and mouth dropped when she saw us hugging.
Off ran Dorkney down the stairs; I grinned up at Wah-wah harder and harder with each stomp she took down the stairs. STOMP grin STOMP grin STOMP .... toothy grin
I'm sure he could tell I loved it.
I was running out of time, and as I looked up again my communication was clear. I felt like Jennifer Grey minus the horrid perm as we made out he lifted me up. Hands roving everywhere, I could feel what I thought might be Beau's leash poking at me between us ... then realizing it wasn't that at all ... It was so hot and unexpected.
but then another interruption .....
"Waaaaaaaaaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, can you come fix your rrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaadiooooooo"
The girl I am today would have grabbed him by the hair and said "She can figure it out herself" then led him straight to the bedroom & locked the door. But the girl I was then didn't know much about the game. We broke apart and he looked stunned. I took that opportunity to leave just as things were real torrid, maybe he'd think about me later when everyone had left and played his favorite tune on the skin flute.
I walked past everyone, Beau following, and gave a small waive. Dorkney glared as I walked past, and I had a new found joy to create a green monster in other girls.
==================================================
*automaton, is a self-operating machine - term often used to describe a robot
** debussy, a famous classical song by claire de lune
#Hilare, my best childhood friend since birth
*Worldly, anyone who did not go to the same church as my parents were considered "Worldly" and I was sternly counseled NOT to hang out with this type of person from fear of catching their disease.
*Mr. Sexbanks, my Art teacher
**Beau, my pure white Cockapoo supposedly the 'families' dog, yet I was the only one who took care of the poor thing.
*Meeting, what Jdubs call church
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